I guess I'll spend another lifetime searching for a new hope
by ofwarriorsandmaidens
Summary: Pan's shadow attacks Blue much later: Emma goes on her date with Neal and Hook & Tink continue their "conversation". [During 3x10 "The New Neverland", written for CS Secret Santa]


Two things : First, English is not my first language so I apologize in advance for the weird sentences and, second, this is my take on Emma, Hook, Neal and Tink's personalities, it might seem OOC but, I don't know, their behavior seems logical in my head… Héhé, oh well.

(3x10 prompt) Pan's shadow attacks Blue much later: Emma goes on her date with Neal and Hook & Tink continue their "conversation".

**I guess I'll spend another lifetime searching for a new hope**** (*)**

Emma had never been that annoyed in her life. In fact, she was close to being pissed. She had just wanted to sit alone on the beach and think about her triumphant return in Storybrooke. It had felt strange to see all those people cheering and yet she knew that, a few hours later, she'd be on her own like she'd always been. Well, she'd hoped Henry would've stayed at her place for the night but he'd preferred sleeping at Regina's.

Although she didn't dare admit it to herself even now, her heart had hurt with the sting of jealousy when he'd left with his stepmother. And, of course, she had this date with Neal where she had no desire to go. Did no one understand she had no time to think about her love life?

Her thoughts got abruptly interrupted when David stopped the car in front of Granny's. She went out and shot an angry glare at him. _Feeling alone doesn't do me any good, I'm way too accommodating. _Her dad gave her an apologetic smile and led her to the door: "Better inside than in the cold sea air, don't you think?" She sighed: "Yeah, I guess so…"

When she came in and saw Neal's back, she suddenly realized she was not pissed: she was fucking scared. She knew exactly what Henry's dad wanted and she wasn't ready to give him anything he expected. Her only wish was to turn on her heels and go home, or to the office, anywhere but here, basically. This lone-wolf behavior seemed to have deserted her in Neverland but now it was back full-force for no reason she could (or would) think of.

She saw Mary-Margaret get up from the seat behind Neal's and joining her husband: "I'm so happy you came back, Emma…" said her mother, looking affectionately at her. "It's not like the two of you left me a choice…" mumbled Emma, hoping her ex wasn't listening. His back was still facing her when she turned around but, as soon as her parents left, he looked at her direction and smiled: "Hey! Do you want something to drink? Hot cocoa perhaps?" She agreed and sat in front of him.

"I remember you liked hot cocoa… with cinnamon on top, right? " He was leaning towards her, devouring her face with his eager eyes. "You have a good memory" she admitted, shifting on her seat and watching intently the painting hanging on the wall behind him.

Neal called a waitress and ordered the cocoa. He sat back on his seat and looked at her, his expression mixed with hope and shyness. _He's afraid I reject him… God this is gonna hurt. _"So, she said aloud, how are you adapting here? Still renting a room at Granny's?" He shook his head: "No, my dad had a spare room so I'm staying at his place… for now."

The double-entendre was so obvious he seemed ashamed of it. He averted his eyes and looked at his hands. "Thinking about buying a house?" asked Emma after an awkward silence. "Yeah, maybe, I mean, it would be easier for Henry, he'd have his own room and all…"

She had no idea how to answer that and she felt very grateful when her cocoa arrived. They drank quietly for a while. Emma was feeing more and more uncomfortable, she was absolutely incapable of telling him she wasn't ready for whatever he had in mind and his tender concerned look didn't help. What she had told him in the Echo Cave had never been more accurate: if she could do anything to change the way she felt about him, all these regrets, this pain and the tears that seemed to fill her eyes every time she saw him, if she had the will to give their story a new start, she would. But she had to admit: she had no such power and she wasn't even sure she wanted to give him a second chance.

The ineluctable conclusion to her rambling was that she had to tell him because until then, she would be stuck, unable to move on. She took a deep breath and said: "Look, Neal, we can't go on like this."

Drinking all night wasn't the best idea he'd ever had. In fact, it was one of the worst. His head was throbbing, his breath smelled as if he'd swallowed ten barrels of rum (which was more or less accurate) and he was pretty sure the bloody floor was moving. Unfortunately, the amnesic proprieties of alcohol didn't seem to work on him since he remembered exactly why he had decided to get drunk in the first place.

It was Emma, of course, who else would put him in such a state?

Seeing her with her son last night had brought back the very unwelcome memory of Milah's despair when she had left Bae to go with him on their seafaring adventures. Who was he to rob a little boy of his mother? Who was he to rob a father of his beloved?

That was the reason he had chosen to talk to Bae and to give him a chance with Emma. He'd joked about it, of course, he joked about everything when he was desperate. Finally, seeing the other man inviting the Lady Swan on a date had been the last nail sealing his coffin.

He vaguely remembered going on his ship fetching some more rum after that before locking himself up in one of Granny's rooms. And now, he was tentatively moving towards the bathroom, hoping no one would be there to hear him throw up. That's where he bumped into Tink.

_Oh lucky me_, he thought while she gasped in surprise. She quickly composed herself and asked him: "You ok?" YOU OK? Well that was bloody brilliant, was she drunk too? He looked down on her and immediately felt sucked in her worried eyes. At this sight, very inappropriate images (_memories_) formed into his mind. That was it. The other element created by his despair: lust.

"I'm fine, love." She smiled politely, probably pretending she didn't notice his bad breath. She looked like Emma much more than he wanted and this fact drove him to go after her and put his hook on her shoulder: "The question is… are _you_?"

It was almost funny to notice how fast his charming side was getting in charge when he was drunk. Tink, for her part, looked rather confused: "Why wouldn't I be?" He managed to smile but he was aware it was not reaching his eyes: "Well, I know that Storybrooke can be a very disorienting place if you're not used to it… Perhaps a drink to help settle you in?" He handled her his flask of rum and took a step closer to her. Her eyes began to scrutinize him and she answered rather coldly: "We both know you want more than a drink. You want me to take you mind off Emma."

_Damned fairy!_ "Emma? Who's Emma? I only see you…" But he didn't feel like playing anymore: she had a point, of course, saying he wanted to forget the fact he was maybe losing Emma at this very moment, but the bitterness in her voice had struck him. And he knew exactly why.

It had happened a while after his arrival at Neverland, a while after Milah's death. He and his crew had met her when they were desperately looking for a way to escape that hellish place. Tink seemed lost herself, she didn't remember how she had ended in such a place and she was mourning her wings, taken by her superior. He had thrown his bottles of rum away and had sworn never to touch one before having killed the Crocodile but, one night, after he'd accidentally found one of Milah's drawings, he'd sent away his good resolutions and had emptied a bottle in a record time.

Unwilling to stay locked in his cabin, he'd wandered on the beach for a bit, a second bottle in his hand until he fell on Tink, literally _fell_ on her, because she was sitting and rambling about a certain "_Blue harpy_". He'd behaved quite stupidly after he'd apologized to her, weeping on her shoulder and making her cry about his dolorous past.

After a while, they'd ended up sharing his bottle and she'd said she'd never imagined how sensitive he was because of his walls shutting him from everyone, and still she knew that, deep down, hope was still glowing. He had wondered at that moment if he should laugh at her ridiculous assumption but then, moved by a strange instinct (and alcohol), he'd kissed her, a terrible mistake because he'd realized at the same time that he could not stop himself from wanting more… which she had given him rather enthusiastically, if he recalled correctly. Of course, that had not been the proper thing to do and he'd felt quite guilty when he had finally admitted that, even if she had consented to his seduction, he had still used her after all.

And he was about to do the exact same thing if he did not behave himself.

"_Look, Neal, we can't go on like this."_

He shifted on his seat and furrowed his brows: "What do you mean?" She realized with surprise she was way angrier than she thought: "Come on, you know what I mean! The hot cocoa, the smiles, the date… I can't give you what you're looking for!" _Tactful as ever, Emma._

Neal looked like he'd been struck by lightning and he swallowed hard before whispering: "Emma…" He was looking around as if he was afraid someone would've heard her raising her voice and, seeing this, she toned it down: "Neal, you can't imagine how sorry I am. Really. But I told you how I felt before, how can it be that surprising?" Another question popped in her mind: "What gave you the idea asking me on a date was a smart thing to do anyway?" Neal's face shut down as he answered after a short silence: "… It's Hook."

_Ha. That was unexpected._ It was maddening how everything she was going through these days seemed to lead somehow to Hook. "And why would he do that?" She was truly amazed at the fact that the pirate never ceased to have reactions she didn't expect from him. "He said… He said he was backing off for Henry's sake… So I took the opportunity to…" He flinched, too late, at the poor choice of words.

"_Us_ being an "opportunity", I suppose." Emma's lips were reduced to a thin line, a sign of bitterness he only knew too well. "Please, don't you think… For Henry… You said you love me…" Great, he was stuttering now and she was surprised to notice it did nothing but increase her rage: "And that's the truth! I'm not denying my feelings for you, I'm saying I'm not ready to make a fresh start with you. Look, have you seen how I behave when I'm around you? I'm a fucking miserable human being! Is it the Emma you want? An insecure and unhappy woman?"

Was he _smiling _now? _Really?_ "I understand the way you feel but I'm sure that one day…" Ok, it was definitely a lost cause: "What the hell, are you even _listening_?" She was yelling and absolutely not caring about all the costumers watching: "I'm _so_ not into you that my goddamn _parents_ had to force me coming here!"

She took a deep breath and tried stopping her hands from shaking: "I just don't wanna talk about it anymore. Maybe it'll change one day. Maybe not. So just… leave it be." Neal's face had shut while she was speaking and, when he opened his mouth, his tone was cold: "Fine. It's up to you. I'll go pay the check." She immediately felt a rush of culpability and moved to stop him from getting up: "Neal…"

"I thought you said we'd leave it be. Let's do that, please." She desperately caught his arm: "At least, let's not part on bad terms." He tore his arm away from her grip: "Look, I need some time to swallow what you told me. I'm not angry with you, Emma, I'm disappointed we couldn't work things out." He was avoiding her gaze. "I know, I know…" she said, tears beginning to roll on her cheeks. At this sight, Neal's expression softened: "Emma…he sighed. Look, why don't you go out and take a breath of fresh air? I'm gonna pay and I'll join you soon."

She could do nothing but nod and leave Granny's under the intrigued whispers of the other customers.

_And he was about to do the exact same thing if he did not behave himself._

Tink brought him back to reality by saying angrily: "I may have lost my wings but I haven't lost my dignity! That's never gonna happen… anymore." She began to blush and seemed suddenly very interested in her feet. Hook's smile dropped at that sight and he took a step back: "About that, Tink… That was not very gentlemanly of me." She raised her eyes, still blushing: "Indeed, that you can say… Look, it's just one of those moments that make us not proud of ourselves. Let's leave it be, ok?" He nodded in answer. Well, this discussion had at least a positive side: it sobered me. But she was not done with him.

"What's going on, Hook? I mean, really?" He realized with horror that his emotions were getting the best of him when he felt tears prick his eyes: "Please, don't…" But she insisted: "Yes, I do! Last I saw you like that was when…" He shot a dangerous glare at her: "I _know_. That's actually the same thing that's happening to me right now."

Tink sighed and crossed her arms: "Let me tell you something: I've known you for a long time, and I've never seen you so eager to do what's right before we met again in Neverland. You've shown Emma the best side of yourself, you've tried so hard to be an honorable man and now you're ready to throw everything away simply because she's seeing her ex-boyfriend? After all this work?" Hook's face was still showing anger, but it was mixed with an unmistakable hopelessness: "It's not that simple! I'm not going to do to her what I did to Milah! I'm not ready to break another family."

Tink's eyebrows rose: "Oh, because it was your fault? I mean, you entered Milah's house, you took her under your arm and left, that's what happened?" Hook was now looking at her as if she was mental: "No! You can't _take_ someone, she's a person, not a… a lamp! She… She wanted me to take her on an adventure…" He smiled at the memory but then, his shoulders dropped and he muttered: "Still, if I hadn't shown up, she would've stayed with her son and her husband and everything would've been fine."

"How can you say that?" She wanted to shake him until his head hit the wall behind him: "Yes, she would've stayed with them, but her life would've been so empty, so sad! Why do you refuse to see how much happiness you gave her?" Hook suddenly lifted his head, his eyes cloudy again: "How the bloody hell can you be so sure of that, you weren't there! You. Weren't. There. You didn't see that sweet husband of hers taking her heart out and crushing it in front of me! So, yes, maybe her life would've been meaningless, but, at least, she would have lived!"

_But what is living without getting some pleasure out of it?_ The question came quite abruptly to his mind and he thought about his 300-year loneliness, seeking revenge on the seas. He'd acknowledged to Regina fulfilling his vengeance would be an end, never a beginning, and he'd been right: he had no friends, no interest for anything except his ship and no love to give. Was it living? Would've Milah enjoyed living in Rumplestiltskin's house, caring about her son, cleaning the dishes while being the shame of the village because of her husband's cowardice? The answer was cruel, but clear: no. Bae wouldn't have been enough. Even the love she bore her son wouldn't have sufficed to endure that emptiness.

"Tink… Forgive me, sweetheart, but I have to go think on my own for a while." She looked rather surprised by the change in his behavior: "Hey, that's not nice! I help you and you toss me away when you don't need me anymore?" She had a point. "I'm sorry Tink, but there's too much in my foggy brain and I need to focus…" He took her hand in his and their eyes met: "Thank you so much for not deserting me even if I'm such a selfish bastard sometimes. I won't forget it."

After scrutinizing his face for a while, she nodded and shrugged: "Fine but, next time, just avoid hitting on me when you're drunk or, as tolerant as I am, I'll have to kick your sorry ass." He gallantly kissed her hand before running back into his room. There, he turned in circles while putting some order in his thoughts: he had come to a conclusion about Milah, but would it be the same for Emma?

He was sure she would never leave her son and Henry loved his father. But did that mean she would sacrifice herself and her possible happiness with him, Hook (if she wanted him, of course), to give Bae a second chance? He couldn't find an answer to that, but he knew Emma was a strong and independent woman who didn't hide what she really had in mind. So maybe, just _maybe_, she could put herself first for once.

Backing off had, in fact, been a bad decision because he had followed her way of thoughts: always putting Henry first, no matter what. And, in his mind, because of everything he had seen, courting her had meant destroying a family. But he could guess that, for Emma, Henry would not necessarily be happy because his two parents were together, worse, it would be the easy way to fix the problem. Moreover, he had noticed the amazed look of the boy when he'd shown him his quarters and how to steer the wheel on their way home, awaking his buried desire for a family of his own. Maybe Henry could like him. Maybe he, Hook, could make him happy. In fact, in doing this, he'd make _her_ happy.

Besides, it was definitely time for Emma to have some fun.

It was damn cold outside and Emma was shivering in her thin leather jacket. She felt really tired, all she wanted was to go home and take a good nap. _Why do I have to wait for him? I'll see him tomorrow and every day after that anyway!_ After all, she'd done what everyone (_her parents_) wanted her to do: she'd been to the date and told Neal everything he needed to know. _Well, fuck this._ She began walking away from the restaurant and left Main Street before heading to her house.

Getting some fresh air had been a brilliant idea but Hook was wondering if buying warmer clothes wouldn't be an even better one. Thinking about fetching some money on his ship, he went down the street and was about to go to the docks until he stopped abruptly. There, in the middle of the street on his left, a woman was walking at a fast pace. A blond woman wearing a strange hat.

"Emma!" The woman turned around, and he immediately noticed she'd been crying. She also looked as if she'd fall asleep if she stopped walking for too long. God, if Baelfire was the cause of this, he was going to regret it. Hook ran towards her: "What happened?"

Emma looked up at him. She didn't really want to talk about her date to him, but it felt good meeting someone who seemed to read her like an open book. She sighed: "That's ok. I just… took care of things." Hook nodded, understanding, and then noticed she was sniffing: "Need a handkerchief there, Swan?"

She laughed: "No thanks, I think I must have one somewhere." She fumbled in her pockets, found it and blew her nose. She mumbled in her tissue: "God, I'm so ridiculous to get in such a state." Hook furrowed his brows: "Of course not, I don't know what happened back there but it clearly affected you. You can't be the inflexible Savior all the time after all." He winked at her but she seemed lost in her thoughts.

She actually _wanted_ to tell him about how she felt, and, more, she wasn't afraid to do so. He was simply standing there, calmness in his bright blue eyes, waiting for his dismissal or her trust. She realized she had missed him today, she had gotten used to him in Neverland, always by her side and eager to prove himself to her without being pushy.

And so, for the first time since she'd arrived in Storybrooke, she decided to share her burden: "I didn't want to go on the date, my parents wanted me to go because they think I should have my own family with Neal and Henry."

This confession didn't seem to affect him the way she thought it would: he kept watching her as if she was telling him the most important thing he had to hear today while she'd expected him to get jealous. Noticing she was surprised by his attitude and was waiting for his reaction, he smiled and said: "Fair enough, but is that what _you_ also want?"

His question fell on her like an ice cube in her stomach. She looked at him, incredulous. He was openly waiting for her answer, leaning lightly towards her, his eyes scrutinizing her face. She honestly said: "I thought I could do it for Henry's sake, but when I found myself alone with him, I understood it was hopeless, there's nothing left from our past together. I've told him all of that but, still, Henry will be so…"

"Emma, I don't ask what _Henry_ wants. I ask what _you_ want." His tone was cold and he was staring at her as if he was trying to read her mind. She tried answering once more: "I just… I don't… Look, now is not the time."

Hook took a step back and sighed impatiently, not because of her, but because he'd realized something he'd always suspected: Emma had never been asked that question before, and her walls were the only protection she had from introspection. He had to be more specific, and damn him if wasn't about to be: "Look, I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable, I'm sorry if it's the case. You know I said to Neal I was going to back off because I thought it would be best for you too. But I understood a few minutes ago it had been a bad move since I didn't think of you but of Henry when I took this decision. Now, I do think of you, and I have to tell you: when you're a parent, you don't stay with your husband or wife for the sake of your child, you stay together because you make a team. You clearly don't want to make that team with Neal and it's a _good_ thing." Emma raised her brows and he immediately backed off: " It's not what you think, it's not the man vying for you speaking, it's the man who's been accused of destroying a family."

She looked exhausted and he could tell she didn't want to continue this conversation, but he had to, for her sake. When she answered, her eyes were shining with tears again and her voice was cracking: "But how's that good?!" He was furious at himself to put her in that state but also exasperated by her stupid sense of sacrifice. He was done being tactful. "Forcing yourself to give a second chance to Baelfire will make you bloody miserable, which will make Henry miserable since he'll believe it'll be all happening because of him!" He put his hand on her shoulder: "Emma, please, think about yourself, for once!"

She was openly crying now, and he was ready to shut it and drop on his knees, asking for her forgiveness when she asked in a tiny, miserable voice: "I'm not used to people putting me first, so how can I do it myself?"

Hook took a deep breath: that was the answer he was expecting but it hurt him to see the woman he loved in such desperation. He took her timidly in his arms, waiting for a blow or a rebuttal but she just stood there, her limbs lifeless except for her trembling shoulders. Which was somehow worse. He whispered softly in her ear: "Emma, I wish I had the chance meeting you earlier and offer you the confidence you lack so much… Yet, now here I am and as long as you want me, I'll never leave your side. _Ever_. So, I know it's difficult for you, but I assure you that you can trust me."

He was afraid she would flee anytime, she'd never been comfortable with his declarations but he was absolutely unable to hide what he was feeling for her, and God, he _felt_. This frightened him too in fact, mostly because, until he met her, he'd always thought Milah was his True Love, a lost one he would never recover from. He'd felt guilty, at first, when he'd realized how much Emma meant to him and how much his loyalty to Milah was quickly fading every time he was by the Savior's side. He'd even dismissed his blooming love telling himself it was purely physical, until she kissed him and he could not kid himself anymore. And there she was, still resting peacefully in his arms, softly breathing, coming down from her recent breakdown. Why was she still there? Would it be because…

Emma noticed Hook's heart was beating faster but she was not ready to face him yet, she'd rather stay in his arms, her face against the warm leather of his vest. She didn't remember the last time she'd felt good so close to someone, but this was more than feeling "good". He'd surprised her so much since they knew each other, always having ideas, being helpful without asking for anything in return… Well, except that time when she'd kissed him but he was just joking right? She was so quick putting her walls on he could not have predicted she'd play along. Or could he? She had to say, she couldn't grasp him quite well apart from the times she'd look in his eyes and see his devotion (_adoration_) there. HE was the one unafraid of showing his true feelings. SHE was the one refusing to see them.

_When have__you ever__taken a__real leap of faith__? _Rumplestiltskin's words echoed in her mind and she realized she was doing more than simply refusing seeing Hook's feelings: she was refusing to acknowledge her own. Of course, she was afraid of rejection, after all she'd been through, but, still, she was unfair to Hook who'd never let her down, once he'd come back for her to save Henry. Maybe it _was_ time to take a leap of faith.

Emma raised her head and looked in his eyes. He was sure she would notice the hope gleaming in them, but he didn't care: whatever he wanted, it was her choice to make. But when he saw resolution transforming her features, he couldn't help his heart jumping in his chest. _Is she going to...?_

When her lips met his own, he definitely stopped thinking. It felt different from the first time, less rough, less hurried. He let her take the lead, as she always did and yet couldn't hold back his moan when her tongue slid in his mouth. She was about to deepen the kiss when he took a step back. His mind was foggy but it didn't stop him from saying: "I thought it was a one-time thing."

She found his smile utterly indecent, and she kissed him again to make it disappear. He brought her closer to him and began mumbling against her lips something about finding a new use to the table in his quarters. She uttered a throaty laugh, so unlike her she bit on his lower lip to make it stop, eliciting a new moan from him. God, if she could get him so undone with just a kiss, what would it be when…

He suddenly froze and tore his lips away from hers. "Do you hear that?" Emma was grabbing the lapels of his jacket, very unwilling to let him step outside her personal space. "What?" But then she heard it. A woman was screaming.

(*) "A New Hope" by Broken Iris


End file.
